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I came across a quote from Dostoevsky which said, “The greatest form of slavery is the hunger for being understood by others.” And it got me thinking about how much we actually try to fit in and be accepted by everyone. How much energy we are wasting trying to get people to understand our decisions and the “why” behind our actions.

I can definitely relate to that, as I often feel like I need to justify myself and explain my actions, otherwise people might think less of me or see me differently than they used to. But isn’t that a constant, never-ending battle?

Deep down, I think we all know we can’t control other people’s perspective of us—and we shouldn’t try to anyway. So isn’t it just a waste of time? At the end of the day, who are we to control what others think? And why do we let it change us if someone doesn’t understand us?

I believe we need to have a clear conscience and be aware of why we are doing the things we’re doing. As long as we know, that should be enough. What better anchor to ground ourselves than us? Who is the one person who will be with you until the very end? It’s you.

Having said that, there is also a very fine line between accepting ourselves and being ignorant towards others. Everyone deserves an explanation—especially the people we love. The way I see it, when someone truly tries to understand us, we can share our perspective. But it is entirely up to them whether they understand it or accept it.

The power lies in letting them do whatever they want with that information.

And that is what freedom is.

Meditation, breathwork, mindset changes… the general prescription for people pleasers and overthinkers.
To be honest with you, it didn’t really work for me.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with overthinking — but then again, I’m quite an anxious person anyway. I would come home from school and social gatherings and overthink every single thing I said, worrying that I’d offended someone by using the wrong words or the wrong tone. When my friends didn’t message me back straight away… oh God, my mind would start to spiral.

Unfortunately, at the age of 31, I’m still struggling with this. Maybe a bit less than before, but I still worry too much about what others think of me.

The interesting thing is that according to doctors and psychologists, people pleasing often comes from childhood trauma — parents who taught you that you were never good enough, and so on. Thankfully, I can’t relate to that. My parents never pressured me or made me feel like I wasn’t enough. If anything, from a very young age my mum always told me to stop worrying about others and to accept myself.

So my question is: how does a 12-year-old girl, who has been loved and supported by her family, still feel the need to please others?

I can still remember the knot in my stomach at 14 when my friend was upset with me. I cried in my bedroom for most of that summer, spending every day thinking about what I could do for her to be my friend again.

And now all I wish is that I could get back the time I wasted worrying over someone who treated me badly.

Saying yes to everything and constantly doing things for others is actually quite selfish, if you think about it — because sometimes you’re doing it to please them and to make them like you. And isn’t that selfish?

Not to mention that eventually all you start to feel is resentment. People may like you, but you slowly become this exhausted, frustrated person who is so tired of being nice and thoughtful all the time.

And yes, this is how I feel sometimes. I also feel obligated to be kind and considerate all the time, even when I’m running on empty.

The worst thing of all is that now I’m in my 30’s and I still waste my time and energy worrying about others rather than myself. I still think about what I said to someone, how I said it, and whether it landed the wrong way. It’s like, in my head, if I upset someone, the world would end.

But it wouldn’t.
And deep down, I know that.

I just need to find a way to remind myself of that every time the knot in my stomach comes back and leaves me anxious.

But then again, how do you stop being a people pleaser without becoming arrogant or ignorant towards others? How do you find the balance between the two?

Well… if you find out, please let me know.

Social comparison has become a widely discussed topic in recent years, and a lot of people point the finger at social media. And it’s true, one post, and suddenly your mind can spiral:

“I should have a house by now. I should be married. I should have kids. I should have a side hustle. I should be fit. I should have a big group of friends.”

One post can make you question all of your life choices and leave you feeling unhappy with what you have.

Social Comparison Isn’t New

But if we look back, social comparison has always been part of life — the difference today is that social media makes it visible to all of us at the same time.

I still remember the feeling as a child, going back to school after the Christmas holidays and seeing who had the best presents. Or feeling left out because my family couldn’t afford expensive clothes or holidays abroad. Not to mention all the little competitions: who would find a date for prom first, who had the nicest dress, who got into the most prestigious university.

These experiences are all forms of social comparison. The difference is that back then, we didn’t have the same awareness — at least not at the level we do today. Social media just magnifies it, leaving us feeling overwhelmed.

Looking at Comparison Differently

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Lately, I’ve been trying to look at comparison from a different angle. It can be a motivator. I’m not saying we all need to be fitness influencers or content creators — but noticing what triggers envy can be a clue about what we truly want.

For example, seeing someone with a side hustle doesn’t mean you need to start a business tomorrow. Maybe it’s a sign that you want to go after your own goals, whatever they may be. Or if you see someone who goes to the gym five times a week and feels bad about yourself, it might be because you know deep down you could take small steps to be healthier. And that doesn’t require an expensive gym membership or three yoga classes a week — sometimes it’s just getting up from the sofa and going for a walk instead of scrolling.

Envy vs. Pressure

The hard part is knowing the difference between envy that reflects your own interests versus feeling pressured to be like everyone else. That line can be fine, but we can learn to recognize it. I’m definitely still learning it.