Meditation, breathwork, mindset changes… the general prescription for people pleasers and overthinkers.
To be honest with you, it didn’t really work for me.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with overthinking — but then again, I’m quite an anxious person anyway. I would come home from school and social gatherings and overthink every single thing I said, worrying that I’d offended someone by using the wrong words or the wrong tone. When my friends didn’t message me back straight away… oh God, my mind would start to spiral.
Unfortunately, at the age of 31, I’m still struggling with this. Maybe a bit less than before, but I still worry too much about what others think of me.
The interesting thing is that according to doctors and psychologists, people pleasing often comes from childhood trauma — parents who taught you that you were never good enough, and so on. Thankfully, I can’t relate to that. My parents never pressured me or made me feel like I wasn’t enough. If anything, from a very young age my mum always told me to stop worrying about others and to accept myself.
So my question is: how does a 12-year-old girl, who has been loved and supported by her family, still feel the need to please others?
I can still remember the knot in my stomach at 14 when my friend was upset with me. I cried in my bedroom for most of that summer, spending every day thinking about what I could do for her to be my friend again.
And now all I wish is that I could get back the time I wasted worrying over someone who treated me badly.
Saying yes to everything and constantly doing things for others is actually quite selfish, if you think about it — because sometimes you’re doing it to please them and to make them like you. And isn’t that selfish?
Not to mention that eventually all you start to feel is resentment. People may like you, but you slowly become this exhausted, frustrated person who is so tired of being nice and thoughtful all the time.
And yes, this is how I feel sometimes. I also feel obligated to be kind and considerate all the time, even when I’m running on empty.
The worst thing of all is that now I’m in my 30’s and I still waste my time and energy worrying about others rather than myself. I still think about what I said to someone, how I said it, and whether it landed the wrong way. It’s like, in my head, if I upset someone, the world would end.
But it wouldn’t.
And deep down, I know that.
I just need to find a way to remind myself of that every time the knot in my stomach comes back and leaves me anxious.
But then again, how do you stop being a people pleaser without becoming arrogant or ignorant towards others? How do you find the balance between the two?
Well… if you find out, please let me know.
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